Anger is a Sword We Raise to Protect Ourselves

Anger is a sword we raise to protect ourselves from getting hurt again. Seems wise at first glance, but being on guard in this way is actually not protecting us. It is hurting us. Stopping the flow of love in one relationship constricts the flow of love in all of our relationships.

The sword is an energy block. It is blocking love from flowing to and from us freely. This causes both emotional and physical challenges.

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Those tense shoulders? They are hurting from holding up that sword. That pain in your stomach? You might as well be stabbing yourself with that sword. No love is flowing here!

Emotionally, holding up the sword leads to a lot of self-doubt, loneliness and judgment. You take it out on others, but you are your one true victim.

At the heart of it, you are not really angry with anyone else. You are angry with yourself for allowing other people to hurt you.

How do you get out of this situation? Put down the sword.

Here's how

1. If someone has angered you, take time to look at the experience. Write out what happened and your feelings about it. Look for any lessons you might have learned. 
2. Now, turn the experience around. Put yourself in the other person's shoes for a moment to see the experience from their perspective. Write out the experience from their perspective.

Hopefully this exercise will result in you finding some compassion for the other person. This may or may not lead to a physical reconciliation, but it doesn't have to. The important thing is that you release your anger and allow compassion for this person to enter your heart. You can then forgive them, and, most importantly, forgive yourself.

The formula is simple, but not easy. Drop the sword. Release the anger. Return to love.

Let me know if you need help with this.

Think Before You React

"That person who has angered you, frustrated you or wronged you is someone's son or daughter, brother or sister, father or mother. Be gentle." 

I would take this quote even further by saying, you don't know what is going on in someone's life. Maybe they have recently lost someone they love or they are worried they might. Maybe they lost their job or didn't get a job they were hoping for. The list could go on forever about the worries that cause people to act less than perfect. But it doesn't give any of us the right to react without kindness.

This was sitting heavy on my heart this week as I sat with my dad during his chemotherapy appointment. As I looked around the room, I saw people from all different walks of life sitting there while toxic drugs coursed through their veins in hopes that it will cure their cancer. 

I felt so much compassion for them. And I prayed that everyone they came into contact with that day would be kind to them. I think everyone should spend some time sitting in a chemo office with someone they love. It will put a different perspective on things. Every life is precious -- even the ones of those who are not kind to you. They are special to someone.

Don't Cry Over Spilled Freeze Pops

Oh how I love perfection! In everything I think, say and do, I am always shooting for it, but sometimes, too many times, I fall way short.

I was given some experiences to practice the other day that were just hilarious in retrospect, so I wanted to share.

Alyssa asked if she could open the box of Freeze-Pops I bought that day. She has been bugging me to buy them all summer, and, I have been trying to let her do more things on her own, so I handed her a pair of scissors to open the box.

I supervised, of course, but before I could stop her, she stabbed the top of the box with the scissors. She didn't know any better, and has probably seen me open boxes this way before ... but that is not the tactic I would use with a box of 100 tubes of spill-able, sticky, staining liquid!

So, I showed her the right way to open the box, which did not really need scissors, by the way (my bad). Then we peeked inside to assess the damage. Luckily, there was only one pop that was leaking. No biggie, so I took that one to the sink and asked her to put the rest in the freezer.

For some reason, she thought she needed to separate the pops before putting them in the freezer, and as she pulled them apart, one ripped right in the middle. Spill-able, sticky, staining, red liquid shot everywhere as I carried the carnage over to the sink to dispose of it! And that is when I lost it. I yelled out her name in a frustrated, blaming tone, as if it was her fault.

It was not her fault. I'm the one who decided it would be wise to carry the darn thing over to the sink, not her. She didn't do anything wrong by tearing them apart, that's what she thought she was supposed to do. She ran up to her room crying. Who could blame her.

After I cleaned up the mess, I went up to her room, knocked on her door, got down on my knees to her level and said, "I am so sorry for yelling at you. That was not your fault. You did nothing wrong. Can you forgive me?" Thankfully, she did!

This story would be finished if that was the end of the excitement for that day, but alas, it was not. The next mess occurred just two hours later as we were leaving for a potluck dinner at church. We had baked some really cool cupcakes with filling in the middle.

As we were leaving, Alyssa volunteered to put them in the car. I was happy to let her help. She took the container from me, but could not fit it between the seats, so she tipped it sideways to make it fit! Logical, right? Well, not if what is in the container is frosted cupcakes!!!

"Nooooooo," I yelled out! At that moment, I remembered the lesson I learned earlier, so I asked her to hand me the container, and I brought it back inside to the kitchen table to survey the damage.

My first reaction, was, "Great. They're toast." But after a deep breath and a second look, I realized I could salvage the cupcakes if I re-frosted the tops and pulled the paper wrappers off the bottoms (because they were now covered in frosting).

Nobody followed me inside the house to see what was happening (they were probably afraid of my reaction), so I went back out to the car and told them to come back in while I repaired the damage, because it was a scorching 94 degrees outside.

Alyssa stood next to me while I doctored them up. I could tell she was waiting to see if I was going to get angry, so I said, "Boy are we having a wacky day, or what?" She laughed and started making jokes of her own.

As an added bonus, my dad was there, so he helped me clean up the mess and we were back on our way out the door in no time.

For the record, the cupcakes turned out fabulous! And hopefully I'm well on my way to learning not to cry (or yell) over spilled things!

Imperfect Progress

I recently finished reading "Unglued -- Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions" by Lysa TerKerst. Fantastic book. 

The writer is hilarious. I love the colorful way she explains things and tells stories. For example, the way she explains what "coming unglued" means is with the expression, "when others bump into my happy." I love that.

She explains that when people bump into our happy, we either stuff, explode or react somewhere in between. People that bump into our happy can be our children, spouses, family members, friends or total strangers.

Most of us do both. For example, I tend to stuff when friends or strangers rub me the wrong way, but when my children are driving me crazy, I might explode. In fact, at the present moment, my kids are grating on my nerves by not leaving me alone while I am trying to write this, so I am stuffing my frustration in order to not explode at them! :)

Neither stuffing or exploding is the desired response, because both responses hurt ourselves and others. Stuffing builds up as baggage, and exploding hurts others while making you feel guilty about coming unglued.

So, the book teaches a few core concepts:

•    How to resolve conflict in your important relationships

•    How to be honest but kind when offended

•    How to respond, when you are triggered, with no regrets by managing your tendencies to stuff, explode or react somewhere in between

The concept of "imperfect progress" comes in when she reminds us that once we start working on better handling our emotions -- whether we are trying not to stuff or not to explode -- we may still make mistakes. I love that. I feel like that is a hand of grace reaching down to us. 

I think sometimes we get overwhelmed by the prospect of trying to change, but this book invites us to at least try, and to accept that we will not be perfect. It's a process. What a relief!

Reading this book showed me that I am not alone in my imperfect progress to better handle my emotions. It also helped me realize I need to give myself grace when I mess up, and I need to extend grace to others when they mess up, too.

Great book for women! I'd highly recommend. We should do a book club on this one!

Moms and Anger

I heard this episode of Focus on the Family today that really hit home with me. Enough to make me sit down and write this.

It was about anger and moms. The guest on the show was Julie Ann Barnhill. She wrote a book called She's Gonna Blow.

I completely resonated with this woman. As I was listening I couldn't believe what I was hearing -- experiences so similar to mine. A couple of her stories were so funny they made me laugh out loud. I was shocked to hear someone else expressing part of what I went through as a mom.

With one child, I was fine -- so patient. People would compliment me everywhere I went on how patient I was. But then came baby #2, and oh my goodness. Suddenly there was much more stress ... and anger too. There simply wasn't enough of me to go around. This stress and anger took me aback. At the time, I didn't understand where it was coming from. But what is even worse is that I had no idea this was happening to other women. I thought it was just me.

There is a book I read several years ago called, I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids. I have always said if I wrote a book, my title would be, I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Two Kids.

Being the perfectionist that I am -- I have had to accept the fact that it is impossible for me to please both of my children at once, and that kills me, because I love them both so much. I believe that desire to please them both is part of where my anger came from.

The author says this anger during motherhood is a compilation of everything that may be causing us stress in life -- finances, career, relationship troubles and even problems from our past. She said it works like a volcano -- before the big eruption, there are many small earthquakes that signal something is wrong, but we ignore them until we lose it completely. Usually, the brunt of our anger is taken out on our kids or our spouse -- the people we love the most -- even when they are not the cause of it. Then we are filled with regret, shame and guilt.

Just knowing that this problem is not unique is healing. But Julie's insights and practical ways to handle the anger were also very helpful.

What do you think about this topic? Have you ever experienced surprising levels of anger while parenting? I'd love to hear from you on this!

The Miracle of Gratitude

Have you ever listened to yourself talk before? Really listened? What do you hear? Predominantly positive statements? Negative ones?

One of my clients recently shared that she has been caught in a spell of negative thinking and speaking. She's struggling with an incident that is causing her to feel angry and sad. She keeps finding herself rehashing the incident, justifying her actions and imagining confrontational scenarios in her head.

Has that ever happened to you? I think it happens to most people at one time or another.

The problem with being stuck in negativity is the belief that what we think about we bring about. So, when you find yourself in this negative place, it is very important to get yourself out -- and quickly!

How do you do that? Well, there are many tools, but one of the most effective is to focus on gratitude.

The cool thing about gratitude is that it is both scientifically and spiritually proven as a healing method. People who are grateful are more optimistic, joyful, healthy, productive and less stressed.

Of gratitude, Dr. Robert Holden, author of Happiness Now, said this, "The miracle of gratitude is that it shifts your perception to such an extent that it changes the world you see." 

You can incorporate gratitude into your life in a number of ways. Here are a few suggestions. Try one or maybe even all three!

• Before you get out of bed every morning, thank God for all that you have. 
• During your journaling, thank him again in writing. (If you don't regularly journal, start a gratitude journal.)
• Express your gratitude again before you go to sleep at night. (It's great to do this with your children and/or your spouse.)

It's powerful stuff. But don't trust me -- try it out! I am confident you will find that although it takes work to focus on gratitude, the good that comes from it will feel like a miracle! 

Today, I am grateful for the opportunity to share this little reminder with all of you!