How You Can Grow or Repair Your Relationships With Service

Have you ever asked yourself why your friend, spouse, child or parent is treating you a certain way?

Have you ever caught yourself saying, "I need something more from them."

Have you ever tried to tell this person what you need without any real results?

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Perhaps it is time to learn about the service mentality in relationships. The service mentality says we give what we want to receive.

It seems counterintuitive. Especially if you are frustrated in a relationship. You might think, "How can I give more love, when I am feeling all out of it." or "Why should I have to do all of the work?"

The answer is because it works!

The benefits of living a life of service are soul-filling.

When we focus more on serving those around us, it actually makes us feel happier, more self-confident, and more energetic. It just feels good.

Can you remember the last time you did something nice for someone else? Didn't it feel good?

Maybe you let someone cut in front of you in traffic.

Perhaps you picked up your husband's dry cleaning for him.

Or maybe you bought a small gift for a friend, just because.

The fact is that it feels good to do something nice for someone else.

Also, it takes the focus off of yourself and helps you walk away from your pity party. (No offense! We all have them!)

Today, I would like to encourage you to pick one relationship and look for the opportunity to serve that person. Can you find at least one way to go out of your way for him or her for the next 7 days?

Call it an experiment and let me know how it goes!

Anger is a Sword We Raise to Protect Ourselves

Anger is a sword we raise to protect ourselves from getting hurt again. Seems wise at first glance, but being on guard in this way is actually not protecting us. It is hurting us. Stopping the flow of love in one relationship constricts the flow of love in all of our relationships.

The sword is an energy block. It is blocking love from flowing to and from us freely. This causes both emotional and physical challenges.

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Those tense shoulders? They are hurting from holding up that sword. That pain in your stomach? You might as well be stabbing yourself with that sword. No love is flowing here!

Emotionally, holding up the sword leads to a lot of self-doubt, loneliness and judgment. You take it out on others, but you are your one true victim.

At the heart of it, you are not really angry with anyone else. You are angry with yourself for allowing other people to hurt you.

How do you get out of this situation? Put down the sword.

Here's how

1. If someone has angered you, take time to look at the experience. Write out what happened and your feelings about it. Look for any lessons you might have learned. 
2. Now, turn the experience around. Put yourself in the other person's shoes for a moment to see the experience from their perspective. Write out the experience from their perspective.

Hopefully this exercise will result in you finding some compassion for the other person. This may or may not lead to a physical reconciliation, but it doesn't have to. The important thing is that you release your anger and allow compassion for this person to enter your heart. You can then forgive them, and, most importantly, forgive yourself.

The formula is simple, but not easy. Drop the sword. Release the anger. Return to love.

Let me know if you need help with this.

The Butterfly and How Struggle Makes Us Stronger

© Can Stock Photo Inc. / ryanking999

I heard a great story yesterday that I would like to share with you ...

One day a woman found the chrysalis of a butterfly. A few days later, a small opening appeared that indicated the butterfly was going to start emerging from it. The woman was excited, so she sat down to watch.

After several hours, she noticed the butterfly was really struggling to force its body through the little hole. Then it seemed to stop trying all together. It appeared as if the butterfly had gotten as far as it could on its own.

So the woman decided to help the butterfly by snipping the chrysalis open. The butterfly then emerged easily, but it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings.

The woman continued to watch the butterfly because she expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and the body would contract and the butterfly would fly! But neither happened. The butterfly could not fly with a swollen body and shriveled wings.

What the woman did not understand in her effort to help the butterfly is that the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening is God’s way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so it can fly. The butterfly needs the struggle in order to be set free.

This is something to remember when we go through struggles in our lives. If we will let him, God will use the struggle to make us stronger and more beautiful.

The same goes for our loved ones. Sometimes when we see other people struggle we think, “Oh that poor little butterfly,” and we naturally want to help. However, if we step in during that struggle and try to fix it for them, we interfere with God’s process. It is during the struggle when the butterfly becomes strong and more beautiful and ready to fly!

We Can Create What We Want In Life

"We create our lives with our thoughts, beliefs and expectations. We create by repeating the behavior patterns that feel comfortable and familiar, whether or not they are productive. We create by conscious choice -- focused activity that moves us toward exactly what we want. We create by unconscious choice -- activity without focus and intent." Iyanla Vanzant

© Can Stock Photo Inc. / tolokonov

What is it you wish to create in your life? More love? More peace? More joy?

Take one action step today in that direction. 

Here's a little hint -- you get what you give. 

So, if you would like to receive more love, the key is to give more love. 

If you would like to feel more peaceful, you could try to bring peace into a stressful situation.

If you are seeking more joy, perhaps you could create a joyful moment for another today.

All of these things will bring the same quality back to you.

Warning: Showing Appreciation to Your Husband May Cause Surprising Creativity

A couple of years ago, my husband started making the bed in the morning. It think this came shortly after he learned one of my primary love languages is acts of service.

He was really funny about it in the beginning -- he wouldn't admit that he had done it. To show my appreciation, I would send him a text message to say thank you. He would respond with something like, "I don't know what you are talking about. Must have been the elves."

I thought it was pretty interesting that he would do something so nice for me, but not directly own up to it.

The story doesn't end there, though. Apparently, Paul has gotten bored of making the bed in the normal fashion, so he has started arranging the pillows in different patterns every day. Still blames the elves.

As a woman with a first-born, Type-A personality, do I care that the pillows are arranged in a different order every day? Surprisingly, not at all! It's fun! I look forward to seeing what he has done each morning, plus it's been a great conversation piece.

Why am I sharing this silly story with you? Of course, because it has a lesson! It demonstrates a vital and serious component of marriage -- appreciation.

In her book, For Women Only, Shaunti Feldhahn said, "Very few things are as powerful to a man as feeling that he has tried something, accomplished it, done it well, and someone noticed."

She continues to explain that hearing, "Thank you," "You did a great job" or "You are such a great dad" is far more emotionally powerful to a man than hearing "I love you."

So, when my husband did something nice for me, I showed him my love and appreciation by expressing sincere gratitude. Apparently I did that very well, because it encouraged him to take the task to a whole new level with surprising creativity!

But I've got a a little secret ... just between you and me. Sometimes I would like to "adjust" the bedspread a little after he makes the bed. You know, to make it perfect! As hard as it is, though, I usually do not touch it, because I don't want to tell him his job is not good enough.

When we thank our man, but tell him how he could have done it better, we dilute our "thank you" with criticism and make him feel like nothing he does is good enough. It's like saying, "You tried...and failed."

Simple appreciation is powerful! Just say, "Thank you!"

Starting the New Year Out on a Good Note with Love Letters to our Family

It was so sweet. About a week before Christmas my daughter announced she would like our family to go to reconciliation to "prepare our hearts for Jesus." To be totally honest, we are not regular reconciliation goers, so this thought made me a bit uncomfortable.

© Can Stock Photo Inc. / SSilver

But, knowing she was right, we honored her request, and I am so glad we did! It was a great bonding experience for us as a family, plus, we had lots of laughs talking about it afterward!

The real gift came through Paul and I individually serving our penance.  We were each told to write a letter to our family affirming each person for their gifts and expressing our gratitude for them. We were asked to complete our letters by the start of the new year, because it would be a positive way to start the new year off.

For me, writing the letters was a wonderful way to slow down and appreciate my children and husband.

Sharing the letters was priceless. On New Year's Eve, we all gathered together to read our letters out loud. It felt joyful to see the reactions of everyone as wonderful things were being said about them. I'm thinking this should be an annual tradition -- only next year I will have the children writing, as well!

Happy New Year!

When Someone You Love is Dying

Many of you know my father was diagnosed with lung cancer about four years ago. He did really great until about seven months ago when it spread to his liver and bones. He has been bedridden ever since.

These are some of my dad's amazing care-takers.
Missing from this group are my sister-in-law, Shannon,
and my sister Allicia and her husband, Justin.

He can do nothing for himself. He can not be left alone. Someone needs to be there taking care of him 24/7. This is a huge task that is taking our entire family to accomplish. (Thank God there are so many of us!)

It's really amazing to see a family in action during a time of stress and grief. Everyone gives what they can and in their own unique ways. In general, the boys are the fixers -- helping take care of things around the house that my dad normally would. The girls are care-takers -- helping him get to the bathroom, feeding him and more.

Everyone in my family is taking turns during the week being at the house -- both to take care of him and to spend time with him. We have been particularly blessed by the women my brothers married. They have also taken on a huge chunk of the care-taking.

I recently read a post that said, "How would you choose to spend your time if you were taking care of someone who was dying?"

Taking care of someone who is dying is a real eye-opener, and it forces you to cast aside those things you come to realize are really not that important, because you no longer have time for them. I'm watching all of my brothers and sisters and their husbands and wives make these choices on a daily basis. It is humbling.

They say it's during times of stress that you see what people are made of, and I feel so fortunate right now, because my family is really holding it together. Everyone is doing their best to be a good to my dad, while still juggling the needs of their own families. For that I am so grateful.

Whatever you do, do it with Love

Women are Amazing

Women deserve to be treated royally every day! As a husband, I hope you will do your best to treasure your bride. As a woman, I hope you will always remember how amazing you are and that you deserve the best of everything in life!

People Who are Acting Out are Really Just Looking for Love

Whether it is your child, your spouse, a family member, a stranger or a friend ... when someone is acting out, they are really asking for love.

They are acting out because they are feeling fear and rejection -- though they may not consciously realize it.

I think many of us know this, but it takes great wisdom and discipline to respond to these situations with love instead of our own defensiveness.

Here's a quick 3 step plan to handle sticky situations:
1. Slow down and think before you react to someone acting out.
2. Remember the ultimate reason this person is acting up is because they feel unloved.
3. Based on this knowledge and the circumstances, ask yourself what the remedy for the situation is. How can you show them love and mercy in this situation?

Happily Ever After is not a Fairy Tale

Happily ever after is not a fairy tale! The fairy tale is that it takes no work to be happily ever after. Happily ever after is a choice!

Marriage is a Verb

Something to remember as we treasure our marriages. True love does not begin until after the "in-love" euphoria fades away. In my book, marriage is a verb.

The Only Way to Make Progress is to Stick Your Neck Out

Hee! Hee! Love this little guy ... and the message he brings. In order to get anywhere in life, whether it is in relationships, career, health or finances, we've got to stick our neck out. Be brave! Stick your neck out today and see what happens!

Be the Heroine of Your Life

You have a choice -- you can be the heroine or the victim. All it takes is a change of perspective. You can decide right now! 

Hugging is Good Medicine

Research shows hugging can make you healthier and happier. I first heard this from one of my sisters and decided to look into it. 

I found plenty of information about it and even a quote that says we need 4 hugs a day for survival, 8 hugs a day for maintenance and 12 hugs a day for growth, so I decided to give it a try. 

I swear it is helping me feel happier! I think it is making my kiddos happier, too! 

I'm shooting for at least 8 a day. This may sound silly, but I'm planning a few of them to make sure it happens. I figure if I can get one each from Paul and the kids in the morning, one from each kid after school and one from each at bedtime, I should be good to go! I find myself looking forward to my special hugs! :) 

The Last Flash Light

Growing up, my grandparents always gave the grandkids a flashlight at Christmas. They were from a time where gifts were meant to be practical, and that was important to them.

All of us kids loved it! What's not to love about a flashlight? It was a fun game every Christmas to wonder what kind of a flashlight you would get.

The tradition continued over the years as great-grandchildren were born. Tyler and Alyssa have enjoyed receiving their flashlights in recent years, just as I did when I was younger.

Grandma passed away a few years ago, and Grandpa passed away last weekend. At his funeral last night, everyone received the gift of a flashlight in memory of Grandpa.

I love that! What an awesome way to celebrate someone's life and legacy. The flashlight was personalized and said, "Grandpa Jerry DeBruyne Your light will shine on in our memories forever. 1930-2014."

You Get What You Give

This week while I was visiting my dad in the hospital, one of the administrators came in to see him. He has known her for more than three years as he has undergone nearly 100 chemotherapy treatments.

There were some things that my dad needed for his care that she said she would help us obtain. She also went out of her way to make sure he was comfortable and being well taken care of.

When she walked out, my dad first expressed his gratitude for her help, but then he looked at me, shrugged his shoulders and said, "You get what you give."

I said, "You're right dad. You have given them a lot."

It's a life lesson that brought me near tears. For more than three years, as he has walked his own cancer journey, he has been a rock of support at his chemotherapy office. The life of the party. The bringer of love. Not a nurse walks past him without a hug and a kiss.

He became the go-to expert in the office. Whenever a new patient came in that needed support or guidance or encouragement, they sent him to my dad. "What, this patient doesn't want a port?" My dad says, "Why wouldn't you want a port? It makes it so much easier."

Many times my mom and dad have made house calls to cancer patients struggling with the diagnosis. My dad also attended the cancer support group whenever it was requested of him so he could share his amazing story of success. His positive attitude has been infectious.

One nurse I spoke with last week said, "He is the hero of our office. We will do anything for him."

So, now, as the cancer attempts to grow and he is the one who needs support, all of those people he has helped along the way are there for him.

It's such a beautiful picture in my mind of everyone giving love and getting it in return. And I'm seeing it in action right before my eyes. It's true, you get what you give.

Be the Light

It's easy to be the light when people are being kind to us. But what happens when someone verbally attacks us or challenges us? Do we lower our light and stoop down to that level, or do we hold up the light as high as ever? These challenging situations are where we must consciously choose. Choose the light. Be the light.

Every End is a New Beginning

No matter what around you is ending -- your time with an employer, your time living in a certain area, a relationship -- just remember, every end is a new beginning. Live in the now. Focus on the beginning.

Think Before You React

"That person who has angered you, frustrated you or wronged you is someone's son or daughter, brother or sister, father or mother. Be gentle." 

I would take this quote even further by saying, you don't know what is going on in someone's life. Maybe they have recently lost someone they love or they are worried they might. Maybe they lost their job or didn't get a job they were hoping for. The list could go on forever about the worries that cause people to act less than perfect. But it doesn't give any of us the right to react without kindness.

This was sitting heavy on my heart this week as I sat with my dad during his chemotherapy appointment. As I looked around the room, I saw people from all different walks of life sitting there while toxic drugs coursed through their veins in hopes that it will cure their cancer. 

I felt so much compassion for them. And I prayed that everyone they came into contact with that day would be kind to them. I think everyone should spend some time sitting in a chemo office with someone they love. It will put a different perspective on things. Every life is precious -- even the ones of those who are not kind to you. They are special to someone.