Handling Raw Emotions in the Midst of Personal Attacks

Ever been on the receiving end of a personal attack? How did you respond? Did you attack back? Or did you give yourself time to gain your composure and respond gently? 

I don't know about you, but when I am personally attacked, my first reaction is one of wanting to fight back and defend myself, but I've learned over the years how deal with it better, and a couple recent experiences have reminded me of some great wisdom.

Whether the attack comes at you from email, text or in person, you have a CHOICE about how to respond. 

You can choose to respond with the same level of venom that was spewed on you by defending  yourself and attempting to prove how wrong the other person is ... or, you can choose to give grace and respond gently. 

Responding to a personal attack out of anger is a reaction. Reactions generally contain harsh words used to prove how wrong the other person is. It feels good for about a second as you defend yourself, but then as you're speaking, you realize what a mess you're creating and that you are going to have to go back and clean it up later.

Instead, choose a reply and remember, "a gentle reply turns away wrath."

When I am personally attacked I usually need time to process the situation and my feelings in my journal before I can speak about it gently. Then, as I prepare to address the situation with the other person, I try to apply a process I learned in the book Unglued by Lysa TerKeurst.

I'll use the example from the book to illustrate how to accomplish each step. (In the books she shares a harsh email she received from the parent of a child at her daughter's school who was not invited to her daughter's birthday party.)

1. Honor the one offended. You can do this by pointing out a good quality. "I can tell you are a mother who cares deeply for your child." 
2. Keep your response short and full of grace. 
• Acknowledge the expressed hurt. "I understand how hard it can be when we feel our child has been left out. Like you, I hurt when my child hurts."
• Briefly clarify your intentions. "Might I share from my heart what I intended when we invited only the girls from Hope's homeroom class to the party?..."
• Be gently honest about the situation and offer a door. "You are probably aware of the conflicts our daughters have had this year. If you would like to discuss some possible ways we can better guide both girls, I would welcome that."
• Apologize if appropriate. "Please accept my most sincere apology for causing you and your daughter hurt."
3. Extend compassion. End your note or conversation sincerely. If you can find it in your heart to extend a warm closing, do so. It will go a long way in helping to resolve the situation.

I recently had a couple of opportunities to practice this technique, and I am SO glad I did. It brought such a sense of peace to the situation -- especially for me, because I could actually feel good about how I handled the situation without having to go back and clean it up later. Imagine that!

Imperfect Progress

I recently finished reading "Unglued -- Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions" by Lysa TerKerst. Fantastic book. 

The writer is hilarious. I love the colorful way she explains things and tells stories. For example, the way she explains what "coming unglued" means is with the expression, "when others bump into my happy." I love that.

She explains that when people bump into our happy, we either stuff, explode or react somewhere in between. People that bump into our happy can be our children, spouses, family members, friends or total strangers.

Most of us do both. For example, I tend to stuff when friends or strangers rub me the wrong way, but when my children are driving me crazy, I might explode. In fact, at the present moment, my kids are grating on my nerves by not leaving me alone while I am trying to write this, so I am stuffing my frustration in order to not explode at them! :)

Neither stuffing or exploding is the desired response, because both responses hurt ourselves and others. Stuffing builds up as baggage, and exploding hurts others while making you feel guilty about coming unglued.

So, the book teaches a few core concepts:

•    How to resolve conflict in your important relationships

•    How to be honest but kind when offended

•    How to respond, when you are triggered, with no regrets by managing your tendencies to stuff, explode or react somewhere in between

The concept of "imperfect progress" comes in when she reminds us that once we start working on better handling our emotions -- whether we are trying not to stuff or not to explode -- we may still make mistakes. I love that. I feel like that is a hand of grace reaching down to us. 

I think sometimes we get overwhelmed by the prospect of trying to change, but this book invites us to at least try, and to accept that we will not be perfect. It's a process. What a relief!

Reading this book showed me that I am not alone in my imperfect progress to better handle my emotions. It also helped me realize I need to give myself grace when I mess up, and I need to extend grace to others when they mess up, too.

Great book for women! I'd highly recommend. We should do a book club on this one!