How You Can Grow or Repair Your Relationships With Service

Have you ever asked yourself why your friend, spouse, child or parent is treating you a certain way?

Have you ever caught yourself saying, "I need something more from them."

Have you ever tried to tell this person what you need without any real results?

© Can Stock Photo Inc. / monkeybusiness

Perhaps it is time to learn about the service mentality in relationships. The service mentality says we give what we want to receive.

It seems counterintuitive. Especially if you are frustrated in a relationship. You might think, "How can I give more love, when I am feeling all out of it." or "Why should I have to do all of the work?"

The answer is because it works!

The benefits of living a life of service are soul-filling.

When we focus more on serving those around us, it actually makes us feel happier, more self-confident, and more energetic. It just feels good.

Can you remember the last time you did something nice for someone else? Didn't it feel good?

Maybe you let someone cut in front of you in traffic.

Perhaps you picked up your husband's dry cleaning for him.

Or maybe you bought a small gift for a friend, just because.

The fact is that it feels good to do something nice for someone else.

Also, it takes the focus off of yourself and helps you walk away from your pity party. (No offense! We all have them!)

Today, I would like to encourage you to pick one relationship and look for the opportunity to serve that person. Can you find at least one way to go out of your way for him or her for the next 7 days?

Call it an experiment and let me know how it goes!

Lessons from Spinning Class: How You can get to 42+ Years of Marriage

The other day in spinning class our instructor mentioned it was Senior Ditch Day for her daughter at school. That brought the memories flooding back for all of us -- including the married couple on my right.

I overheard the wife say, "We had senior ditch day, too!"

Her husband of 42 years said, "You did? No way!" He was genuinely surprised.

How cool is it that?! Right there in an everyday, ordinary spinning class this married couple learned something new about each other? I love that!

If we want to get to 42+ years of marriage it will be important for us to keep the conversations flowing and interesting, too. We all know good communication in marriage helps us stay connected, and we have to make an effort at it in this busy, busy world of ours.

You know me, I'm all about the tools -- so here is a handy little resource to help you get some conversations started if you are interested: 101 Conversation Starters for Couples by Gary Chapman and Ramon Presson. It is packed with fun conversation ideas for you and your spouse!

But there was something even more powerful than a conversation going on there in the spinning room -- it is how they got to the conversation -- by taking the spinning class together. Had one of them not been there, this cool conversation would never have happened.

This, my friends, is significant, according to Willard Harley, author of His Needs, Her Needs: Building and Affair Proof Marriage.

Harley says one of the top 10 needs of a man is to have a recreational partner in his wife – someone to do something with. He explains that men prefer to bond by interacting side-by-side with their spouse. That is different than how women prefer to interact -- we prefer face-to-face interactions.

For example, in my marriage I have sometimes found myself camping without indoor plumbing, fishing with yucky bait, or sporting some sexy eye and ear protection at the shooting range when I would really rather be curled up reading a good book or relaxing at the spa.

I have learned to do these things with my spouse because it makes him feel loved and it helps us bond through a shared activity. I can literally see the joy on his face when he is doing things that he loves! Sometimes we have to put our own comfort aside because it is in the best interest of the relationship.

If you need a little inspiration in your marriage, contact me at 239.292.2882 or tina@haisman.net. I can guide you through a personalized marriage tune-up that will create lasting change in just a few weeks.

Be Who You Want to be With

Almost all of my clients come to me at one time or another and tell me they wish their spouse behaved different in some way... I wish my spouse was more helpful around the house. I wish my spouse would help more with the kids. I wish my spouse would plan some dates. I wish my spouse would help with the laundry. You get the picture ...

© Can Stock Photo Inc. / michaeljung

One thing we know about people is that we can't change them. We can only change ourselves.

So, what should you do when you find yourself wishing your spouse would behave differently? The short answer is behave differently yourself. "Be who you want to be with."

This is an energetic response. By changing your behavior, you will invite the same from your spouse. 

For instance, if you wish your husband would help you more around the house, you might find a way to help him more. Take a few moments and think of how you could be of service to him today. Maybe even ask him, "Honey, is there anything I can do to help you today?"

Some of you are freaking out right now reading this ... because there is no way you possibly have time to help him more. Trust me on this. He will notice what you have done for him, and that will inspire him to be of more help to you. 

Nobel Peace Prize winner Aung San Suu Kyi said, "When you're feeling helpless, help someone." Let your desire to be of service to your spouse invite him into being of service to you.

I dare you to try this at home!

What Adulterers Want You to Know About Protecting Your Marriage

Dear Married Friends,

I recently heard this Focus on the Family episode about emotional affairs, and I wish each and every one of you would listen to it. At the beginning of the segment, pastor and marriage expert Dave Carder shares a story that has me on fire to make sure this information is available to you.

The topic is emotional affairs. They are so damaging … so senseless … and so preventable.

In the spirit of protecting your marriage, I hope you will read on and explore this topic further.

Emotional affairs are every bit as damaging to a marriage as physical affairs, and they are sneaky, because they develop slowly, over time -- usually between co-workers, neighbors or family friends.

Most married people don’t wake up one day and decide, “I think I’ll ruin my marriage today.” What happens is something a bit less conscious -- they make a series of poor choices over time that lead to an inappropriate relationship.

Once an affair is in motion, it is downright deadly to the marriage, because one of the most powerful emotions on the planet is in play – infatuation. Marriage experts say infatuation is as powerful as a drug.

Don’t believe it? Think about how many people walk away from their families for an affair partner. It happens all the time. From the outside, this looks like a ridiculous decision, but people consumed by infatuation do ridiculous things. They behave as if they’re literally under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

Carder says, “Infatuated people are drunk with emotion. They don’t make rational decisions or care how their choices impact everyone else.” It's a long way back to reality from this addicted state.

That’s why we all need to protect our marriages. We need to be vigilant and stay on our toes to prevent ourselves from becoming infatuated with someone other than our spouse.

To help married people identify potential threats, Carder compiled a list of 19 behaviors that could lead one down the wrong track with a member of the opposite sex. Here are the top five:

• Saving topics of conversation for your "special friend." 
• Sharing spousal difficulties with your friend ("My husband (or wife) never..."). 
• Allowing the friend to share their relationship difficulties with you ("My husband/wife always...) 
• Anticipating seeing this person more than your spouse. 
• Comparing the friend and your spouse ("If only my spouse was nicer to me like s/he is...") 

If you are interested in further information on this topic, you can check out Dave Carder's book: Close Calls: What Adulterers Want You to Know About Protecting Your Marriage.

In the meantime, just your awareness of this topic can help you protect your marriage and avoid one of the biggest mistakes of your life.

Love,

Tina

No Relationship is all Sunshine...

© Can Stock Photo Inc. / Massonforstock

"No relationship is all sunshine, but two people can share one umbrella and survive the storm
together."

Love this perspective!

The Battle for Your Marriage

Your marriage is under attack. Every minute of every day, via spiritual warfare. I want people to know about this, because so often we think our spouse is the enemy. But our spouse is not the enemy. The Devil is, and he is relentless.

He will stop at nothing to destroy your marriage, because it is something good that God has created. He will use things like petty little arguments, busy schedules, crying babies, selfishness and temptations to slowly drive a wedge right between you and your spouse. He will do such a good job you might even get to the point where you don't think you like your spouse anymore.

© Can Stock Photo Inc. / 4774344sean

I want to encourage you to fight for your marriage on a daily basis. Do it for yourself, your spouse and your children.

Practically speaking, here are a few simple ideas for cultivating a happy marriage:

• Set up a daily check-in time with your spouse and ask, "How was your day?" Allow 5-20 minutes for this task where each of you will talk about your day and listen to the other. Insist the children give you this time -- it is for their own good, and it shows them you value your relationship.

• Check in with your spouse periodically -- maybe once every few months -- and ask, "What can I do to be a better partner?"

• Read a marriage book together. I would recommend the For Women Only and For Men Only series by Shaunti Feldhahn. 

• Plan some dates that are different and interesting. Specifically plan something your spouse would like. Get out of your comfort zone. I've tried some things in the past like fishing and camping because my husband enjoys them.

• Always look for the best in your spouse. What you see is what you get, so if you are constantly nit-picking and noticing everything he does wrong, that is all you will see. Change your focus. Put on a new pair of glasses. Notice what he is doing right.

• Cultivate an attitude of gratitude. Thank your spouse for all of the things he does for you and your family. Thank him for going to work. Thank him for taking out the trash. Thank him for driving the kids to soccer. These things may seem minor, but they will cultivate gratitude in your heart.

• Don't take your partner for granted. Just because you are married and promised to each other for as long as you both shall live does not mean you stop trying to be the best version of yourself for your partner. Give your best to your spouse, not the left-overs from your day. I know this is challenging, but I can't emphasize this enough -- don't take your partner for granted. Appreciate him and tell him so.

• This list could go on for eternity, but I'll leave off here saying you can always contact a life coach to guide you through a personalized marriage tune-up. We can create lasting change in just a few weeks.

Warning: Showing Appreciation to Your Husband May Cause Surprising Creativity

A couple of years ago, my husband started making the bed in the morning. It think this came shortly after he learned one of my primary love languages is acts of service.

He was really funny about it in the beginning -- he wouldn't admit that he had done it. To show my appreciation, I would send him a text message to say thank you. He would respond with something like, "I don't know what you are talking about. Must have been the elves."

I thought it was pretty interesting that he would do something so nice for me, but not directly own up to it.

The story doesn't end there, though. Apparently, Paul has gotten bored of making the bed in the normal fashion, so he has started arranging the pillows in different patterns every day. Still blames the elves.

As a woman with a first-born, Type-A personality, do I care that the pillows are arranged in a different order every day? Surprisingly, not at all! It's fun! I look forward to seeing what he has done each morning, plus it's been a great conversation piece.

Why am I sharing this silly story with you? Of course, because it has a lesson! It demonstrates a vital and serious component of marriage -- appreciation.

In her book, For Women Only, Shaunti Feldhahn said, "Very few things are as powerful to a man as feeling that he has tried something, accomplished it, done it well, and someone noticed."

She continues to explain that hearing, "Thank you," "You did a great job" or "You are such a great dad" is far more emotionally powerful to a man than hearing "I love you."

So, when my husband did something nice for me, I showed him my love and appreciation by expressing sincere gratitude. Apparently I did that very well, because it encouraged him to take the task to a whole new level with surprising creativity!

But I've got a a little secret ... just between you and me. Sometimes I would like to "adjust" the bedspread a little after he makes the bed. You know, to make it perfect! As hard as it is, though, I usually do not touch it, because I don't want to tell him his job is not good enough.

When we thank our man, but tell him how he could have done it better, we dilute our "thank you" with criticism and make him feel like nothing he does is good enough. It's like saying, "You tried...and failed."

Simple appreciation is powerful! Just say, "Thank you!"

A Small Gesture = A Big Impact

According to research conducted by Shaunti Feldhahn, Author of The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, 72 percent of men say a, "thank you," for something they did "deeply pleases" them.

This is an easy way for us to show our men our love.

© Can Stock Photo Inc. / Andres

-- "Honey, thank you for playing with the kids after work tonight."
-- "Thank you for making coffee this morning."
-- "Thank you for working so hard for us today."

Why is this so important? Because your man's greatest desire is to do something well and have it be noticed and appreciated. If you help fulfill this deepest desire by expressing gratitude, you will be cultivating a healthy marriage, which is good for both of you!

Here's another thought to put it into perspective -- a woman's saying "Thank you" to her man is the emotional equivalent of his saying "I love you" to her. So, if you love hearing, "I love you" from your man, you might want to throw a few "thank you's" his way!

Don't Tear Him Down!

© Can Stock Photo Inc. / 4774344sean

If, instead of affirming, a wife reinforces her husband's feelings of inadequacy, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. For example, if she focuses her attention on what he is doing wrong in the relationship, she can unwittingly undermine what she most wants -- for him to do it right. -- Shaunti Feldhan, For Women Only.

The Secrets of Being the Best Mom

Being a mom is the most difficult job in the world, but it’s also the most important. So, it is wise to invest time in learning how to do it well. What are the secrets to being the BEST mom? Obviously, all moms love their kids and take care of their basic needs, but this article will address a few of the more subtle, less obvious ways to be the best mom you can possibly be!

1. Take Care of Yourself Taking care of you has got to be your first priority. Proper nutrition, exercise and rest are vital to keep you healthy and energetic, but that’s not all. Taking care of you also means leaving time for things you love to do, like writing, painting, dancing or gardening. Easier said than done, I know, but it is important. If you take care of your own needs first, you will be an awesome mom!

2. Stop Judging Yourself for Not Being Perfect. As mothers we put WAY too much pressure on ourselves. We have an unrealistic image of what a good mom is. We secretly compare ourselves to other moms who seem to have it all together. When it comes to parenting, perfection is impossible. Beware of using Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest to compare yourself to other moms – look at it as entertainment instead. Become the expert on your life – make choices that work for you and your family, and don’t worry about what others are doing.

© Can Stock Photo Inc. / justmeyo

3. Ditch the Guilt. Two-thirds of all moms report feeling guilty on a daily basis, for anything from not spending enough time with their kids, feeding them fast food, letting them play too many video games and more. Guilt is a terrible waste of time and energy. Know that you are doing the best that you can. No one is perfect, and you are not expected to be perfect either. Simply trust that you are doing the best that you can. Your best is good enough!

4. Have Fun! When you’re a mom, it’s easy to become so wrapped up in the logistics of taking care of your children that you forget to be present and have fun. Kids give us a wonderful opportunity to be a child all over again and see the world through their sweet little eyes. Try to step away from your to-do list and play a little every day!

5. Take Care of Your Marriage. This is so important. Your children are with you for 18-20 years of your marriage. Then you could have another 30+ years of marriage ahead of you. Your stable relationship with your spouse is TRULY one of the most important things you can do for your children. Not to mention that you’ll be demonstrating a healthy marriage to your children – a lesson that will last a lifetime!

Your Husband, The Thinker

Does your husband ever walk away from you during a disagreement? Does it irk you or make you think he doesn't care about you?

Well, fear no more! In her book, For Women Only, Shaunti Feldhahn reveals the reason your husband walks away is because he loves you!

The simple fact is that men are wired to process thoughts and emotions differently than women.

Women tend to process verbally, but men process internally, and they need time and space to do so. Seven out of ten men said they walk away in the heat of the moment because they are afraid to say something they will regret later.

The graph above shows more about their responses and why they walk away or say they "don't want to talk about it right now" when you are having an argument.

I hope this new information can bring you some understanding about the importance of giving your man some space next time you have a tiff! It will help the disagreement work out better in the long run! To learn more, grab a copy of the book!

Shocking Statistic About How Men Feel

Read this shocking statistic today. A real eye-opener. And something with a simple solution -- a sincere thank you!

For practical ways to appreciate your man, join me for the For Women Only Book Study this September. Click here for more information:

Crumbs Under the Toaster

Uh-oh. I may be guilty of this. Join me for the For Women Only Book Study to learn more about how we may be unknowingly hurting our men.

Three out of Four Men Would Rather ...

Does this shock you? This information is significant for happy marriages. Learn how showing respect looks in daily life by joining the For Women Only book study.

For Women Only Book Study Group

The man in your life carries important feelings so deep inside he barely knows they’re there, much less how to talk about them. Yet your man genuinely wants you to “get” him—to understand his inner life, to know his fears and needs, to hear what he wishes he could tell you. 

In her landmark bestseller, For Women Only, Shaunti Feldhahn reveals what every woman—single or married—needs to know.

Based on rigorous research with thousands of men, Shaunti delivers one eye-opening revelation after another, including:

• Why your respect means more to him than your love.
• How he feels deep inside about his role as provider.
• What it means for a man to be so visually “wired.”
• Why sex for him is primarily emotional, not physical.
• What he most wishes he could say to you.

Participating is EASY! Seriously! You don't even have to leave your home!

1. Purchase the book.

2. Mark your calendar for our live chats (Central Time Zone): 

• Wednesday, September 17, 8-9 p.m., Chapters 1 and 2
• Wednesday, September 24, 8-9 p.m., Chapters 3 and 4
• Wednesday, October 1, 8-9 p.m., Chapters 5 and 6
• Wednesday, October 8, 8-9 p.m., Chapters 7 and 8
• Wednesday, October 15, 8-9 p.m., Chapters 9 and 10

3. Visit our private Facebook group on the above dates for our group conversations. I'll post questions and you'll reply with your thoughts. 

Don't worry! If you miss the live chat, you can visit anytime to catch up!

Please feel free to share this with your friends.

The Power of One in Marriage

Do you wish your husband was more loving or romantic or attentive? What if I told you that you have the power to help get that ball rolling without his help?

In her book The Whole Hearted Wife, author Erin Smalley gives you 10 tips to a more loving relationship. Who wouldn't enjoy a more loving relationship?

I believe we should all be working to improve our marriages continually -- even if everything is currently great.

Why? Because that's how God intended it to be. He designed our marriages to "grow" us into the people he wants us to be. Sometimes "growing" can feel challenging. It is the unique challenges of the marriage relationship that help us accomplish this. Why else would we all be marring our opposites? Seriously!

I would like to share a quote from the book that I think is so encouraging and empowering to anyone who is married.

“Changing your own behavior may trigger your spouse to want to make changes. The secret lies in how we target our energy and efforts. Because our capacity to change others is entirely based on our willingness to change ourselves. This is not double talk or trickery. It’s simply the reality of relationship dynamics. If I create a change in my own attitude and behavior, my spouse and the marriage itself will automatically be forced to change.”

LOVE it! I think there is a similar quote, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." Let's rephrase it, "Be the change you wish to see in your marriage."

Contact me if you'd like help ... and here is another resource. A Focus on the Family interview with the author. You can listen to it for free here.

Marriage is What You Make of It

Marriage is what you make of it. It is a choice. I made a word cloud this morning while I was reflecting on what marriage means. Enjoy!

Happily Ever After is not a Fairy Tale

Happily ever after is not a fairy tale! The fairy tale is that it takes no work to be happily ever after. Happily ever after is a choice!

Marriage is a Verb

Something to remember as we treasure our marriages. True love does not begin until after the "in-love" euphoria fades away. In my book, marriage is a verb.

The 5 Love Languages ... Which Animal Are You?

I'm reading this great book called The Noticer right now. The main character relates four of The Five Love Languages to animals. I found it to be a great depiction. See if you can relate:

Physical Touch -- A cat. Cats are creatures of physical contact. Cats don't pay attention to what you say. They don't come when you call them -- so no need for words of affirmation. Cats just want to be rubbed or scratched. And how they show love is by rubbing against you. "Touch me," the cat is saying!

Words of Affirmation -- A puppy. Puppies love to hear you speak to them about how wonderful they are. Their whole body wags when you speak kindly to them. And if you use an angry tone with them, puppies cower as if they are under attack. 

Quality Time -- A canary. A canary doesn't pay attention to who gives it food or water. It doesn't care what you say to it. It doesn't need to be touched. A canary is happiest when you sit and listen carefully to its song. A canary that is ignored will die.

Acts of Service -- A goldfish. Why? Because a goldfish can't hear you to listen for words of affirmation. You can't pet it and give it physical touch. It just loves for you to feed it and keep its water clean.

Gifts -- the author does not address this language in the book. If you had to pick an animal, what would you say?

If you want to know more about this philosophy about relationships, read The 5 Love Languages and join me for a book club this May. 

Click here to sign up! Also, take the Quiz to discover your love language here. Click here to order a copy of the book.