People Who are Acting Out are Really Just Looking for Love

Whether it is your child, your spouse, a family member, a stranger or a friend ... when someone is acting out, they are really asking for love.

They are acting out because they are feeling fear and rejection -- though they may not consciously realize it.

I think many of us know this, but it takes great wisdom and discipline to respond to these situations with love instead of our own defensiveness.

Here's a quick 3 step plan to handle sticky situations:
1. Slow down and think before you react to someone acting out.
2. Remember the ultimate reason this person is acting up is because they feel unloved.
3. Based on this knowledge and the circumstances, ask yourself what the remedy for the situation is. How can you show them love and mercy in this situation?

Misbehavior is a Request for Love

When your child misbehaves, he is really asking, through his behavior, "Do you love me?" If you respond, "Yes, I love you," with your words and actions, you will fill up his love tank, take the pressure off and make it unnecessary for him to continue testing your love. This will likely correct the behavior. Another great piece of wisdom from the 5 Love Languages of Children.

The Way We Talk To Our Children

A friend of mine has this quote displayed in her kitchen.

"The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice. Discipline with soft words."

I love this reminder. Words are so powerful. As are the tone they are spoken with.

As parents, we yield quite a bit of power to influence our children's inner thoughts. We can influence the first thoughts they think when they wake up in the morning, the last thoughts before they go to bed at night ... and many thoughts in between.

This motto is easy to keep when everything is sailing smoothly, but the challenge comes when things are tense or when we are disciplining our children -- those times when anger or frustration is present. 

I also love the verse she has written above it, "Encourage one another and build each other up." That is what Jesus commands us to do. We must use our words to build people up, rather than tear them down.

Some examples of negatively using our words with our children are phrases such as these: "I can't believe you did that." or "What is the matter with you?" or "How could you do that?" or "You're a bad boy." or "You're so stupid." If this is how we speak to our children, these are the messages they will replay over and over in their minds throughout their lives. I don't know about you, but that is not how I want my children thinking about themselves.

Here's a personal example. The other night, we were trying to decide if we were going to go out for dinner or stay home. Tyler had a meltdown in the middle of it, because he wanted to stay home, but he also wanted to go out. He just couldn't decide. 

My husband got very frustrated by Tyler's tears and indecision and used some of the phrases I mentioned above. Rightfully so, Paul was frustrated with the situation. He doesn't like to see Tyler get upset over something seemingly so small. But what good do those phrases do in building up a child? Don't they just make the child feel worse?

I took a different approach that night by gently asking Tyler questions about why he was so upset and why he wanted to stay home. Wouldn't you know it, within a minute or two he came to the decision that he would like to go out. (I'm so glad he did! We had the best time!)

I'm not saying I always perform this well as a parent. And I'm not throwing Paul under the bus by sharing this example! He's on board! But, I share the story, because little lessons like these can help us all use our words to build up our children, instead of tear them down.

The Myth of the Perfect Parent

Parenting is hard -- especially when our children make mistakes. I'm talking about mistakes like not listening, hurting someone else's feelings, not sharing, hitting, etc.

When things like this happen around my house, I tend to beat myself up and blame myself. Why? Because I feel passionately that it is my job to raise good children. I am so afraid that I am going to mess this up. And there are no second chances here.

Image courtesy of Ambro /FreeDigitalPhotos.net

But, I recently gained a new insight on an old story that set me free from those negative thoughts.

It goes a little something like this. There once was the perfect Father, and he had two children, Adam and Eve, who sinned and rejected his ways.

Oh. My. Gosh. Stop the presses! Let me get this straight. God ... who is the perfect Father, had children who sinned?

Yes, I knew that. But I never put it into the context of my parenting.

If the most perfect Father could have children who sinned, how can I expect to have children who never make mistakes? And why am I beating myself up about it when they do mess up?

Wow! What a relief. It's a whole new perspective! Now, this doesn't mean that I will stop trying to raise wonderful human beings, but it means I will no longer expect to be the perfect parent!

Does that resonate with anyone else?