Is the First to Forgive Really the Strongest?

Recently I saw a quote on Facebook that I immediately replied "Amen!" to. But, since then I've been thinking about it more deeply, and I'm not so sure about it, based on the "true stories" I have experienced in my life.

I agree with the obvious gist -- forgive, forget and apologize. Yes! Of course! We should all be working on these things, but I emphasize "working," because forgiveness is a process, not something that can be flipped on by a switch.

There is nothing wrong with taking time to process hurt feelings before offering apologies or forgiveness, and taking this time does not make you any less strong than the person who apologized or forgave first. What is most important is that you are working on it. Forgiveness is one of the most important life lessons we have to learn.

I believe people who take time to get their inner emotional house in order before handling conflict are very strong people, because they are waiting to address the situation until they know they are in the right place to handle it. Sometimes handling things before you are ready only creates more chaos.

Having said that though, I do want to point out it is important we actually do work on any forgiveness issues we have, because carrying unforgiveness in our hearts is toxic to ourselves and those around us.

As far as "forgetting," that's only for the little things -- maybe pesky little arguments -- but the big things are never forgotten. They are left behind as battle wounds that influence how we view and handle almost everything in our lives. Those experiences are part of what make us who we are.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I don't think it should be a race to see who can be the first to apologize, forgive or forget so we can have the title of being the bravest, strongest or happiest. Yes, we should all be working toward forgiveness, but we don't need to pressure ourselves or allow others to pressure us to handle situations before we are ready.

Perhaps the best choice we can make when we find ourselves in a situation that requires apologies or forgiveness would be to apply the virtues of grace, kindness, mercy and compassion -- toward ourselves and the other person.

The LORD is gracious and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in mercy. Psalm 145:8

Forgive When You Do Not Receive an Apology

Sometimes we will never receive an apology we may be waiting for. By holding the energy of "waiting" for the apology, we are hurting ourselves by giving our power to the person who hurt us. Decide today to accept the apology you never received. You will feel the freedom and regain your power.

Let Go of the Past ... and See a More Beautiful Future

There comes a time when you must let go of the broken pieces from the past ... and recognize that God is using them to create something even more beautiful and unique in you.

Just as in this picture, every broken piece is beautiful. Imagine if you put them all together in a totally unique design. It would be awesome!

That is what God is doing in you right now if you will only just let go and watch the beauty unfold.

What do You Need to Hear to Believe an Apology is Sincere?

In November I wrote about my discovery of the book The Five Languages of Apology. Today I want to share a recent experience that illustrates how the languages work and how they can help you achieve more healing in the relationships in your life.

We had a play date at our house with a couple of Tyler and Alyssa's friends. One child came to me to tell me that another child said something that really hurt his feelings. The offender responded with, "I said I was sorry."

Image: Arvind Balaraman / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

So, with my knowledge of the five languages of apology, I asked the offended child, "Your friend said he was sorry, but it seems like that is not enough to make you feel better. What do you need to hear?"

The offended child replied, "That he will never do it again."

Oh my gosh! Out of the mouths of babes comes this profound, but basic language! This language is straight out of the book -- and it was spoken by a nine-year-old who has never read the book. That's how spot on this concept is! I didn't need it, but I've got to say, this whole experience was further proof to me that this five languages of apology stuff really works!

What the offended child communicated was that he needed to hear the offending party genuinely repent for the offense. That is language number four according to the book. Genuinely repenting means saying, "I'll try not to do that again."

I asked the offender if he could make that promise, which he easily did ... and off they went!

I can't say enough about this concept. How many times has someone apologized to you, but the apology didn't make you feel better? If that was the case, it could be a simple language barrier. If we could all be more aware of these five languages of apology, we could be experiencing much more healing and joy in our lives on a daily basis!

Forgiveness is Part of the Very Essence of Life

Today at Tyler's First Reconciliation prayer service, we read Colossians 3:12-15. I love this passage. I won't go on and on about why, but rather, I'll just share it with you, in case it will do your heart good to read it!

"Brothers and Sisters:

God loves you and has chosen you as his own special people. So be gentle, kind, humble, meek and patient. Put up with each other, and forgive anyone who does you wrong, just as Christ has forgiven you.

Love is more important than anything else. It is what ties everything completely together. Each one of you is part of the body of Christ, and you were chosen to live together in peace.

So let the peace that comes from Christ control your thoughts and be grateful."

Amen!

Guilt: The Energy Sucker

I wanted to expand a little bit upon the "behind-the-scenes" emotions of my experience with Amy yesterday.

Had that experience happened to me last year, before working with a life coach, I would have walked around all day venting to my friends and family. I would have replayed the story in my mind a thousand times. I would have retold it a dozen times. "Can you believe that woman? Giving me the third-degree like that? How dare she?"

My friends and family would have been fabulous! They would have listened intently, given me the time and space to vent and cheered me on! The problem is, I would still not feel better after venting. The reason is that venting is not the solution to the problem.

The reason I felt bad after hanging up the phone was that I felt guilty that I had mistreated someone. The only solution to that problem is to "own it and clean it up." Those are the words of my life coach, Lynne Pietrzyk. Through her, I've learned the value of cleaning up my mistakes right away -- otherwise, they drain me.

A year ago, I would have carried those feelings of guilt with me for the entire day or longer. But, now that I've learned to fix my mistakes as soon as possible, I have saved myself hours upon hours of guilt.

What's wrong with walking around with guilt for hours on end? It is a huge energy drain. When you expend all of your energy feeling guilty about something or worrying about something, you can't put it toward positive experiences -- toward your NOW. This causes you to not live in the moment. And if you're not careful, you can get sucked in, and life will pass you by.

Had this experience happend to me a year ago, I would have been thinking about the exhange all day, instead of dealing with it and moving on.

But, instead, I had a fantastic, energetic day -- it was liberating to take control of the situation and do the right thing! It allowed me to enjoy my day!

I hope you enjoy your day today! Happy Friday!

The Irony of It All

I'm going to get real wtih you for a moment -- show you a moment of my day where I was not at my best, and how I dealt with it.

A friend is going through a challenging time right now, so this morning, I called her at work to tell her that I would be bringing dinner by tonight.

A woman, presumably an administrative assistant, answered my call. Here's how the conversation went. (I am changing the names of the people to protect their identity.)

"Hello. How can I help you?" Amy the Assistant said.

"Yes, I'd like to speak with Suzy Somebody, please," I replied.

"May I ask what company you are with?" Amy asked.

"Oh, I'm not with a company," I replied.

"May I ask the nature of this call, please?" Amy asked.

"It's actually a personal call!" I said, in a peppy voice.

"Well, you're going to have to do better than that. I can't just put anybody through." Amy said in an authoritative voice.

This sent me off the deep end. My patience was gone. I lost my cool. I was pissed off. How dare this woman give me the third degree. "Who does she think she's answering calls for, the President?" I thought. I'm trying to do something nice for someone, and I have every right to call.

I replied in a bitchy, firm tone, "I am her friend, and I am calling because I want to bring her dinner tonight."

"Oh, that's all you had to say, that you are her friend." With that, she kindly patched me through.

I had a sweet conversation with my friend and hung up feeling very mixed emotions. I was grateful that I had a small way of helping her out and showing her I cared, but in the process of trying to do that, I treated someone else badly.

It was as if my tone with Amy had negated the good I was doing for my friend.

I thought about it for a little while and realized I needed to call Amy back and apologize. So I did.
I feel better now that I had a chance to apologize. I had a nice little chat with Amy. We even laughed about it. But I am still annoyed with myself for acting that way.

I think Amy forgives me, but now I need to forgive me ... how will I do that? Part of it was my sincere apology to Amy. Part is writing this blog, and sharing my story with others, but I will also journal about it with good old-fashioned pen and paper. And finally, letting go of it. There's no reason to carry it around.

Master Life Coach David Essel says to not forgive (yourself or someone else) is like having a huge anchor around your neck that goes behind you into the ground, that you’re constantly trying to move forward with. But you’ll never move forward with the pace and the ease you could if you could let go.

So, I'll be workong on that today ... is there anything you need to forgive yourself for?