Handling Raw Emotions in the Midst of Personal Attacks

Ever been on the receiving end of a personal attack? How did you respond? Did you attack back? Or did you give yourself time to gain your composure and respond gently? 

I don't know about you, but when I am personally attacked, my first reaction is one of wanting to fight back and defend myself, but I've learned over the years how deal with it better, and a couple recent experiences have reminded me of some great wisdom.

Whether the attack comes at you from email, text or in person, you have a CHOICE about how to respond. 

You can choose to respond with the same level of venom that was spewed on you by defending  yourself and attempting to prove how wrong the other person is ... or, you can choose to give grace and respond gently. 

Responding to a personal attack out of anger is a reaction. Reactions generally contain harsh words used to prove how wrong the other person is. It feels good for about a second as you defend yourself, but then as you're speaking, you realize what a mess you're creating and that you are going to have to go back and clean it up later.

Instead, choose a reply and remember, "a gentle reply turns away wrath."

When I am personally attacked I usually need time to process the situation and my feelings in my journal before I can speak about it gently. Then, as I prepare to address the situation with the other person, I try to apply a process I learned in the book Unglued by Lysa TerKeurst.

I'll use the example from the book to illustrate how to accomplish each step. (In the books she shares a harsh email she received from the parent of a child at her daughter's school who was not invited to her daughter's birthday party.)

1. Honor the one offended. You can do this by pointing out a good quality. "I can tell you are a mother who cares deeply for your child." 
2. Keep your response short and full of grace. 
• Acknowledge the expressed hurt. "I understand how hard it can be when we feel our child has been left out. Like you, I hurt when my child hurts."
• Briefly clarify your intentions. "Might I share from my heart what I intended when we invited only the girls from Hope's homeroom class to the party?..."
• Be gently honest about the situation and offer a door. "You are probably aware of the conflicts our daughters have had this year. If you would like to discuss some possible ways we can better guide both girls, I would welcome that."
• Apologize if appropriate. "Please accept my most sincere apology for causing you and your daughter hurt."
3. Extend compassion. End your note or conversation sincerely. If you can find it in your heart to extend a warm closing, do so. It will go a long way in helping to resolve the situation.

I recently had a couple of opportunities to practice this technique, and I am SO glad I did. It brought such a sense of peace to the situation -- especially for me, because I could actually feel good about how I handled the situation without having to go back and clean it up later. Imagine that!

I got 26 Hugs from my Daughter this Morning

Isn't that sweet? I got 26 hugs from my daughter this morning! Why on earth would I write about that? Well, because it was before school in the rush of trying to get everyone out the door! Every parent knows how busy mornings can be!

This morning, Alyssa had a few extra minutes before it was time to go, so she wanted to read me a book called Big Hugs, Little Hugs. It tells a "story" about all of these different critters who hug and where they hug -- inside, outside, upstairs, downstairs ... you get the idea!

Reading it was cute enough, but then I was ready to move on. Not so with Alyssa -- she wanted to act out each and every hug.

One little voice in my head said, "Oh my goodness! I do not have time for this right now. I still have 26 things to do before we leave."

But another voice in my head said, "What could be more important than this?"

So, away we went on a hugging spree -- acting out each and every one. I have to admit, I was still feeling a bit reluctant -- it was 7:00 in the morning, my coffee hadn't quite kicked in yet, and my daughter was making me do all of these wacky things.

But, in the end, I'm so glad I made the choice to slow down for Alyssa this morning. It was the highlight of my day and a memory I won't soon forget! What could be better?

Is there really a God?

Since the bombings at the Boston Marathon, I have heard a couple of people wonder out loud if there really is a God. They say, "If there really is a God, why would He let this happen?"

Wow. I feel so bad for the people are asking this question, because they are in such despair. Without hope.

I believe my faith in God is what gives me comfort in times like this. I believe God is there. That he loves me. That he will take care of me. That when I do leave this earth, I will be in the happiest, most magnificent place imaginable. No more pain. No more suffering.

I do not believe God "allows" tragedies to happen. Rather, bad things happen because people have free will, and they go against God's will.

After a tragedy, God comes in to grieve with us and support us in our recovery. If we allow it, tragedies, such as these, can actually grow us closer to God. How? By focusing our minds on the good.

Even though this situation is tragic, there is beauty happening in and around it. More than we know at this point, because it's too early. What we do know is about all of the first responders and spectators who immediately rushed in to offer help to the wounded and all of the runners who ran straight from the race to the hospital to donate blood. I'm sure many more stories of heroism will come out over time.

Sometimes when I find my mind is mired in the muck of a tragedy like this, I try to remember Philippians 4:8, which says, "In conclusion, my friends, fill your minds with those things that are good and that deserve praise: things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and honorable."

Through this passage, God is telling us not to dwell on the evil, but instead to focus on the good.

How do we do that? Instead of dwelling on the heartbreak, let's look for the good. Instead of talking about the evil doers, let's offer up our prayers for the victims.

I know it's not easy -- especially with the media covering it 24/7. But try. Just try to find the good. It is there.

The Secret to Great Relationships is ... in your Bathroom

Sometimes we feel like other people are making life difficult for us. Being mean to us. Judging us. Blaming us.

That makes us feel angry, hurt or sad inside and may cause us to react in an unkind way. Then, we realize we shouldn't have reacted unkindly and have to apologize for our mistake.

What if I told you there was a better way. An easier way. A more holistic way. One that will feel like magic when you try it. One that is the secret to having great relationships.

What I'm about to say may come as a shock. But when someone else is making you feel angry or hurt -- the best thing to do is stop and look in the mirror.

Why? Because everyone around you is simply reflecting you back to you.

Whew. Can you wrap your head around that? Everyone around you is reflecting you back to you.

When you understand that other people are only a reflection of yourself, you will find there is no room for blame, judgement or being the victim of another's words. The beauty in all of this is that this secret will help you grow into the person God wants you to be.

Let's look at an example: I had a client who felt like one of her friends was a very critical judge of everything she did, and it was making her really angry. Once she uttered that statement, I stopped her and had her ask herself, "Where am I being judgmental right now?" The first thing that came to her mind was that she was being judgmental of herself for where she was at in her career -- not as high up as she had imagined.

By being judgmental of herself, my client was attracting judgement from others -- especially this particular friend. But the truth is that she was hurting herself more than any other person was hurting her. Once she cleaned up the judgement within herself and started treating herself with more love, compassion and understanding, the perceived judgement from her friend ceased to exist.

If you need more proof that this secret is true, think about this. Have you ever noticed a pattern with problems in your relationships? Always the same problem? The same insecurities? Well, guess what? You are the common denominator. To get to the root of the cause, you have to be the change you wish to see.

I'm not saying this is easy, but you can do it! If you would like the help of a coach to guide you along, let me know!

Achieving Life Balance Isn't As Difficult As You Think

It's something we're all after. Balance. Trying to juggle everything we need and want to do to make ourselves and those around us happy.

It may seem like you're going to fall over at any time, but you can fee like you're walking on air instead if you put your mind to it.

Certified Master Life Coach Mir Lynne Pietrzyk and I are holding a teleclass on the first and third Wednesday of every month to teach the basic principles of life balance.

As a way of showing you how beneficial the class is, we are offering you a chance to listen to one class for free!

You can listen from your phone by dialing: (605) 477-2199. Enter access code: 667226#. Enter reference number 1. Enjoy!

If you like it, you can sign up for future classes by emailing lynne@shiftandwakeup.com. Just tell her you'd like to sign up for the life balance course!