Be Who You Want to be With

Almost all of my clients come to me at one time or another and tell me they wish their spouse behaved different in some way... I wish my spouse was more helpful around the house. I wish my spouse would help more with the kids. I wish my spouse would plan some dates. I wish my spouse would help with the laundry. You get the picture ...

© Can Stock Photo Inc. / michaeljung

One thing we know about people is that we can't change them. We can only change ourselves.

So, what should you do when you find yourself wishing your spouse would behave differently? The short answer is behave differently yourself. "Be who you want to be with."

This is an energetic response. By changing your behavior, you will invite the same from your spouse. 

For instance, if you wish your husband would help you more around the house, you might find a way to help him more. Take a few moments and think of how you could be of service to him today. Maybe even ask him, "Honey, is there anything I can do to help you today?"

Some of you are freaking out right now reading this ... because there is no way you possibly have time to help him more. Trust me on this. He will notice what you have done for him, and that will inspire him to be of more help to you. 

Nobel Peace Prize winner Aung San Suu Kyi said, "When you're feeling helpless, help someone." Let your desire to be of service to your spouse invite him into being of service to you.

I dare you to try this at home!

What Adulterers Want You to Know About Protecting Your Marriage

Dear Married Friends,

I recently heard this Focus on the Family episode about emotional affairs, and I wish each and every one of you would listen to it. At the beginning of the segment, pastor and marriage expert Dave Carder shares a story that has me on fire to make sure this information is available to you.

The topic is emotional affairs. They are so damaging … so senseless … and so preventable.

In the spirit of protecting your marriage, I hope you will read on and explore this topic further.

Emotional affairs are every bit as damaging to a marriage as physical affairs, and they are sneaky, because they develop slowly, over time -- usually between co-workers, neighbors or family friends.

Most married people don’t wake up one day and decide, “I think I’ll ruin my marriage today.” What happens is something a bit less conscious -- they make a series of poor choices over time that lead to an inappropriate relationship.

Once an affair is in motion, it is downright deadly to the marriage, because one of the most powerful emotions on the planet is in play – infatuation. Marriage experts say infatuation is as powerful as a drug.

Don’t believe it? Think about how many people walk away from their families for an affair partner. It happens all the time. From the outside, this looks like a ridiculous decision, but people consumed by infatuation do ridiculous things. They behave as if they’re literally under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

Carder says, “Infatuated people are drunk with emotion. They don’t make rational decisions or care how their choices impact everyone else.” It's a long way back to reality from this addicted state.

That’s why we all need to protect our marriages. We need to be vigilant and stay on our toes to prevent ourselves from becoming infatuated with someone other than our spouse.

To help married people identify potential threats, Carder compiled a list of 19 behaviors that could lead one down the wrong track with a member of the opposite sex. Here are the top five:

• Saving topics of conversation for your "special friend." 
• Sharing spousal difficulties with your friend ("My husband (or wife) never..."). 
• Allowing the friend to share their relationship difficulties with you ("My husband/wife always...) 
• Anticipating seeing this person more than your spouse. 
• Comparing the friend and your spouse ("If only my spouse was nicer to me like s/he is...") 

If you are interested in further information on this topic, you can check out Dave Carder's book: Close Calls: What Adulterers Want You to Know About Protecting Your Marriage.

In the meantime, just your awareness of this topic can help you protect your marriage and avoid one of the biggest mistakes of your life.

Love,

Tina

One Simple Thought to Help Solve Your Parenting Disputes

Dr. Juli Slattery spoke in March at the Hearts at Home conference about how to parent as a team. She shared three paradigm shifts she has made in her thinking as a mother and wife that have helped smooth out the parenting struggles between her and her husband.

One of them really hit home with me, and I want to share it in case it helps you too. Are you ready, moms? Here it is: My Kids Need a Dad, Not Two Moms. 

© Can Stock Photo Inc. / dobled

Whew. That really woke me up. When I heard that, I realized I often try to get Paul to parent the same way I do -- calmly and in a nurturing, motherly manner.

He tends to handle delicate situations more abrasively. It often makes me uncomfortable, and I feel compelled to smooth it over. But I have come to learn through experience and from hearing Dr. Slattery talk, that I need to be more open to Paul's ways.

For instance, there have been a few times when my "nurturing" way of handling an upset child actually made the situation worse -- the child cried harder.

Paul gets so frustrated with me in those instances and takes over in his "manly" way. Somehow it works. He manages to calm the situation down -- usually with his personal style of humor. 

His approach is much different than my approach, but it isn't wrong. And thank God for it, because it works better than mine sometimes! 

I mention God here on purpose. I think He has everything to do with this. He designed men and women to be different on purpose. We compliment each other. Kids need their moms and dads to parent differently for their healthy development.

Dr. Slattery shared research with us that indicates having both a mom and dad is one of the most critical factors to a child's academic, emotional, behavioral, spiritual, and physical well-being.

I know it's not rocket science, but I think it is profound, and we moms need to remember to allow our husbands to do what they do best -- parent as a dad! It's not to say they don't need some guidance along the way, but they might not need as much as we are accustomed to giving them. It's certainly something to ponder.

The expression on Paul's face when I shared this with him was priceless. I think it was a look of relief and excitement and feeling validated. I dare you to try this at home.

The Wound is the Place Where the Light Enters You

© Can Stock Photo Inc. / yarruta

"The Wound is the Place Where the Light Enters You." Love it!

To me, the Light in this picture is nourishing the daisies. I can just feel its warmth. It is helping them to grow.

That's what happens to us when we get an emotional wound. The hole from the wound lets the Light in to heal us...if we will let it.

How to Use Judgment for Good

Every wrong we find about someone else is a judgment, and when we judge others, we attack them, not physically, but psychologically.

When we are critical, demeaning or dismissive of another person's actions or opinions, we are judging. Judgment is harsh. It is evil. It hurts to feel judged.

© Can Stock Photo Inc. / uniqueshots

Unfortunately, judgment is a natural human tendency, But, it is something for us all to work on. How? I would love to show you a way to turn judgment from something harmful to something good. Here we go:

When we have a strong negative reaction to someone, it is because they are reflecting traits we also possess but have been unwilling to accept.

Everyone we see around us is a reflection of ourselves, and the traits we see most clearly in others are the ones that are the strongest in ourselves. This is called the mirror effect, and it is a powerful tool for turning judgment from something harmful into something good.

The bottom line is this: When we see something we don't like about someone else, we are actually learning more about ourselves than the other person. Since people are mirrors, we can learn from them how to become the best version of ourselves.

So, instead of jumping on the judgment train the next time those nasty thoughts about another person creep up, notice it and accept it as a Divine invitation to look within. Here are a few examples:

• If you are judging someone for being selfish, ask God to show you where you are being selfish right now.
• If you are judging someone for being rude, think about where you might have been rude lately.
• If you are judging someone for being mean, ask God to show you where you have been mean recently.

I promise -- this exercise is not intended to bring you down and make you feel bad about yourself. Quite the contrary. This exercise brings you peace, because it takes your focus off of other people and helps you look at how you can be the best version of yourself. Remember, we can't change or control other people -- we can only change ourselves.

And when we change ourselves, we are changing the world! One person at a time, starting with us.