Too Late To Apologize

While I don't think this headline is true, I did think it was a catchy title for a blog about apologizing -- and I love the song!

Anyway, there is so much to say about how to apologize, but today, I just want to focus on one little word that should never be included in an apology.

The word is "but." If you ever hear yourself say this word during an attempted apology, STOP yourself immediately, because you've just canceled the apology.

It doesn't matter if you are apologizing to your child, your spouse, your parent or a friend. The use of the word "but" renders your apology null and void. It tells the other person you are not sincere and that you are not taking responsibility for hurting their feelings. Furthermore, it introduces an excuse for your offending behavior. This hurts the offended person even more.

Here are a couple of examples of what not to say:

• "I am sorry I yelled at you, but you made me so mad." 
• "I am sorry I said mean things to you, but I'm just so frustrated with how you've handled this situation."
• "I am sorry for losing my temper, but you shouldn't have done that."

Here are a couple of examples of more sincere apologies:

• "I am sorry I yelled at you. I should not have done that. I love you so much. Can you forgive me?"
• "I am sorry I said mean things to you. I did not mean to hurt your feelings. I value our friendship and I want to make things right. Is there anything I can do?"
• "I am sorry for losing my temper. You did not deserve to be treated that way. I am working very hard to try to never do that again. Will you accept my apology?"

And of course, you actually have to be sincere with your words!

Just this morning I had to practice a good apology with my daughter. I had lost my temper and yelled at her. I could have given her a long list of reasons why I felt justified about yelling at her in the moment, but the truth is none of them matter. The only thing that matters is that I love her and I want to treat her well. I want to parent her with kindness, compassion and grace. Yelling has no place in that.

On the positive side, when I slip up and do yell at her, I am giving myself an opportunity to apologize, and I am showing her how to apologize -- good lessons for both of us!

There's no question about it, apologizing is difficult, but with some work and practice, you can get better at it. If all else fails, just try to think about how you would like to be apologized to and go from there! And remember, the end result is a reconciliation of the relationship that was broken by the offense.

Oops! I messed up!

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I had an experience last week that made me feel very grateful for my life coaching tool box. The life coaching tool box is where you go when you have a problem. It is filled with tools to help bring your mind from chaos to peace. The problem I had was that I needed to say, "I'm Sorry."

So, what happened, you are wondering. Well, I received a call from someone I am close with. That person asked me a question that sent a dagger straight through my heart and severed several nerves. Ouch! That hurt.

Instead of remaining calm, cool and collected, I answered the question sarcastically. I got terse and asked the reason for the question. My words and my tone let that person know I was annoyed.

I hung up the phone and complained to my husband about the nerve of this person. Then I went to bed and slept on it...knowing I had some work ahead of me. The next morning I got up and got out my trusty journal. This is where the life coaching tool box comes into play.

I first journaled my feelings about the situation -- the good, bad and ugly. Then, I put myself in that person's shoes and realized that call must have been difficult for them to make. Next, I looked at what I could be grateful for with the situation -- among other things, this person had the courage to ask the question. And, we can always be grateful for the opportunity to say we are sorry. Finally, I worked on my action plan. It was to write out my sincere apology and call that person back and give it.

Why write out an apology? It's really important to get clear on what you are going to say before you say it. In my case, I needed to take responsibility for my actions. Apologize for my words and my tone. Explain why I responded that way. That I was being selfish. That I would do my best not to respond that way in the future. That it is not my intention to lose my cool. That I don't want them to be afraid to call me, because they will get a crabby response.That I love them. Lucky for me, my apology was accepted, and it was a nice conversation.

Although it's difficult, saying you're sorry is actually a very beautiful process, because it allows the person who messed up to come down from their throne, clear the air, and show the person who got the brunt of the mistake that they are loved. It works to establish trust between the two people -- that they are both human, but that they are willing to admit mistakes and forgive one another. It allows both people to let that experience float away instead of having it drag them down with resentment. Isn't that a beautiful thing?

If you need help mastering the art of saying "I'm Sorry," contact me.

Written with love for everyone I've had to say I'm sorry to! :)